Pictures.

Burden?

So, I was watching Desperate House Wives today and I have to say.... I am very glad to be a single parent though I have my times where I just need time to myself. I feel like I need to get away. In the episode of Desperate House Wives one of the women had a little boy with their boy friend and they had split up over time. As the father of her child had a new girl friend the little boys mother was not happy that the other woman was starting to intrude. She confronted the new girl friend and the new girl friend basically told the mother to get over it because the child father will be moving in with her. Just then I felt for the mother. I don't ever want to go through something like that. I don't think I would be able to control myself. I am my child's only mother and no other woman will take him away from me. I would get so sick and tired of hearing about the other woman that is with my ex and has my child playing mommy to him. Though I feel my son needs a father. I do have moments to where I wish is father was in his life and loved him as much as I do but I know what will never happen. I'm sorry that my child has to be with out his father and won't be able to call someone dad or daddy. But he's at least got a male roll model in his life. My mother just recently remarried after 20 years and her husband is great with Kenny.
Another topic I wanna go off on a tangent about is finally being on my own. I want to get a job and make enough money to take care of myself and my son but I also feel in a place that because I have my child and no one to watch him I'm held back from giving us those things. Please don't judge me for the things I'm about to say because I love my son to death but there are times I wish I had decided to give him to a loving family who couldn't have children. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and I can not even provide for him. He's denied a father and I feel like a shitty ass mother because I'm not even working and I get so irritated with him. We are together and have been 24/7 since he was born. Yeah I worked a month a few months after I had him but I need time away. I hate where I am at in life and at only 21 this is not what I had hoped. I've lost so much and I feel like I'll never get those things back. No matter how hard I try. There is this evil force that is just holding me back. If I work I have to base my schedule around my mother or others. I cant even be myself. I know no one. I don't even have any girl friends that I can get together with and have play dates. My son has no children to play with. It's horrible I think. It's just us two and I know he's so sick of me. I can't afford to take him to day care. I feel help less and lost. I know I have 11 months left until I get my license back which will be a process in itself. I hope that once I have my license and a car I can do the things I want. I'm sck and tired of living under my parents roof. I'm sad that I see all my friends back in VA are already on their own and some are already married with kids. I really want that life for me. I want the family life where everything is ok and financially stable. Where I can live on my own and not feel horrible that I have to ask for a few bucks for diapers. I know I'm a burden on everyone and I am tireed of feeling like I am a burden though no one will say it.

The Past I Have to Live With

It has been 9 years since I have seen my father. Which was a choice I had made at the age of 13 because I thought it was what my mother wanted. Never once did I think, "What do I want?" Because in this life that I lead, I never get the option to think about what I want. I have grown up thinking of ways to please my mother which has recently told me it's all about her. My mother who has raped me of everything I have: my car, my license, my credit, my independence, my things, and even tries with my own son. I wish I could go back to when I was a child and had followed through with my decision to move in with my dad. Hell, I wish I could take back all those nasty things that I had said to him when I was 18 years old and naive. It is too late to do any of that. It is too late to fix what has been broken. My father died last year Sep. 17, 2008 from Leukemia and my mother always said "It'll come back and bite him in the ass" as if she hoped it on him. When that day came, I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest and it fall into a million pieces and those million pieces broke into another million pieces. I have now since the day i heard that he had passed away have begun to cry more from the loss of my father. He didn't deserve what my mother did to him, he didn't deserve what I did to him. My mother had poisoned us with hate for our father. What kind of parent does that? My mom even got remarried recently and mentioned me calling her new husband dad. I will never call anyone else dad. Well, my heart is aching and wish I could just fix it but it will take time. A lot of time. Knowing my father will never walk me down the isle and never will I be able to have a father daughter dance at my wedding. I will no let anyone else walk me down the isle. I will not let anyone replace him. He will have a reserved seat at my wedding. I hope that he is looking over me and Kenny and still smiles and sees that little girl that I use to be. That little girl that he always called Princess. I love you daddy, I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for everything. I wish I knew what I know now back then. Love Always, Princess.

At The Point of Breaking Down.

Kenny's about to turn 2 in a month and I'm already pulling my hair out and just wanting to cry. In the process of CONSTANTLY cleaning up, he just goes right back and destroys the house. I've woken up to permanent marker on the doors and walls, him playing in my fish tank (sitting on the bar where the 250lb tank sat), crayon on walls and doors (who knows where he found them), stamp padded doors and walls, beads strung all over the floor (the beads are the size of a crumb), him ripping the keys off my key board (3 times), etc. I know he loves to color and stamp and everything else but when he's got the crayons he colors on anything and everything. I feel like it's only my child. Like he's such a bad kid. I love him so much but I can't deal with it. I get NO help from anyone. I don't even have someone saying...."You know Brittany, you don't leave the house and you never have time to yourself, I'll stay home and watch Kenny, why don't you go out and have a good time? Don't worry about us, we'll be fine." Everyday I'm stressed and I know it. There are many days I just wan to be left alone and not have to be a parent. I know it sounds bad but I have gotten one break since the day he was born and that's because she stayed the night with my cousin. It's going on 2 years. I emotionally can't do it all the time. I catch myself screaming and yelling constantly. Spanking him or sending him to his room. Yes I so love on him a lot and he is a good kid but there is that other side. The only contact to the outside world that I have is my computer. I feel trapped in my own home. I also feel that I am seen for by my own son is the live in Nanny. He calls my mother Mom. He calls her husban Daddy. He will not say Grammy or Pop Pop. Yes he does call me mom but he doesnt get excited over me like my does my mother. The sad thing is, when he is around her she gets irritated with him and doesn't give him much of her time. Steve, her husband, gives Kenny more attention then she does. I know there are days Kenny feels like he has to compete with my lap top. I don't ignore him and I don't neglect him, he's just tired of not having a buddy to play with all the time. I know I'm a bad mom and my emotions take over more so than my intelect. I don't stop and think.. if I do this, this will happen. I know I need to but how do I when I get so upset? I'm at a breaking point. My heart is breaking while my eyeare filled with tears. Why out of all people was I chosen to do this alone? Does it really make me that much stronger? I think it's just making me crazy. At this point in my life I want to just go hide in a closet and cry. This is not what I planned. This is not where I thought I would be at 21. I need help.

A Little Miracle

I am really being hit with the emotion of wanting to have another baby. I guess it's because Kenny's at that age that he needs someone to play with and that everyone I know right now is getting pregnant. I want to have another baby before Kenny and the next future baby get too far apart in age. I don't want to just find anyone to give me a baby because I don't want kids all with different daddies. That will look bad on my part but, I also don't want to go through the talk of why they all don't look alike. I love Kenny to death and that's why I want another baby. I love the love that comes with being a mom. It does hurt me that I know he doesn't want me to have any babies. The frist time I picked up a baby and went to show him a baby, he busted into tears thinking I was replacing him. I have not seen him so upset before. It broke my heart. I figured he was use to seeing me hold another baby because of Dakota. I love my baby so much. I've never felt so much love in my life until I had my baby boy.

What Kind Of Life Is That?

A lot of stuff is happening this year. I guess this is the year for peoples vacations. So many of my friends are going to so many places and all are inviting me to go with them. I wonder if they realize I'm not the old me and that if I go, my son goes. Hmm, they'll find out sooner or later. I am stoked to see my two best friends in Vegas here in a couple months. It's going to be 2 years since I've seen them. For two years I've been sitting in a house missing out on life because of this hell called Arizona. Virginia is where my heart lies like I've said many times before. This year I plan to get back up on my feet and prepare myself to make that giant step, well actually, leap, to make a move back to Virginia. That is my goal. Screw new years resolutions. No one ever sticks to them. So, other than going to meet my friends in Vegas, I have another friend or aquintance (since I haven't seen her in many years) that wants me to go on a cruise with her. Which it will cost me more money to do that than to possibly go somewhere I haven't been. I've been to the places she's going and they arn't my favorite. I told her I would look more into it but I'd rather travel AZ before I go home. I've seen many places but have yet to want to end this journey. There is one place I want to go here soon. This little ghost town called Gerome. I am very much into ghosts. Though strangely enough I'm afraid because the lack of information. I love to watch Ghost Hunters. I know all the equipment and all the possibilies that could make people think they are being "Haunted" or the feeling of being watched. I have encountered 3 ghosts in my life and am pretty sure to see more. Two I have seen my grandmother and once my father. Odly enough, I did not know that my father had passed away that night. Do you ever wonder that when someone passes they are given a chance to see the people that mean the most to them in life before they go to Heaven? I do. I have never been close with my father and until that night, I never even thought he cared enough to see his grandson. He was seen and a black mass walking out of the room that my son was sleeping in and then proceeding to walk down the hall and by that time he just disappeared. After findig out 2 days later that my father died that night I knew it was him. It hurt me to know that he cared that much to see my son and I didn't try and fix things with him, knowing that he lad leukemia. I thought that he was going to get better. My mother always made me think that he was always lying and that he over exadurated. I wish I could relive the past with him and make everything right but it's too late. Back on the track of ghosts, I did see a 4th one in my current home. It was Dec. of 2008 and I was hanging the christmas lights in the window. As I was talking to Mom on the couch, I looked up on to the glass and I saw about an 8 foot black mass, full body, walk across my living rooom. I thought i was quite odd. I looked back to the place where I was it and it was gone. He was a very legnthy scronny man which seemed to be very tall. Mainly long legged. I guess I'm more intune with ghost mare than I ever have been. I don't call on them. I don't even approach them or seek to find them but I know they exist. Spirits or Ghosts they are all the same to me. I dont know what to think about the demonic and will never even try to intrude on that topic. Now that stuff scares the living hell out of me. I dont mess with it I dont talk about. I right now I feel that because I am writing about it, something can and may happen. I'm not a religious person but I've seen a lot of damn movies. My sister is religious and has told me that they are much worse than that stuff. I'm sorry but I'm not opening myself up to that. So back onto vacations. So, once I see that ghost town, my next destination is going to be Seattle. Washington. I hear that place is beautiful. I wouldn't mind living their either. I don't want to travel nationally but also Internationally: Italy, Ireland, Germany, England, Africa, Asia, China, Australia and many more. Right now I want to see Ireland the most. To tour the castles, to photograph its beauty and try the native cuisine. Continuing off to Italy for some good ol' pasta! I would love to do all of this now but, I find it most difficult with such a young child. I have plans for another adventure also, Marriage. I was to settle down and continue my family, own my own home, get a dog for the kids to play with, and be an amazing wife and mother. Not that I'm not an amazing mother any way but you know what I mean. I'm ready for my life to kick off, while it seems to be not going any where. I want all that excitement. Heck my only excitement this week sofar has been getting my cell phone turn on. What kind of life is that?

Waiting For That Happily Ever After

It's always a little girls dream to grow up and find her Prince Charming and have a wedding fit for a princess. For the past two days, that's all I can think about. Why hasn't it happened to me and why isn't it happening? Is there something wrong with me? I want a family, I want to give my husband children. Everyone I talk to are players or still partying. I am past that. I understand that I jumped a couple of steps and had a baby first but that should not take that right away from me. I should still be able to carry out my dream of being a wife. I deserve a chance but half the time they all want is sex.

What is happening to the world today? Males feel that they don't need to settle down if they can have many different women the rest of their life or are women haters because of a few bad relationships. Do they not realize they make us woman, espesually me, feel that there is no hope. I want my fairy tale ending. I'm ready for it. I am yerning to be loved and to love back.