Is It Possible?

After talking, well, ripping kenny's father a new ass hole, he finally responded to my message which completely shocked me. I told him how I really felt and he responded to me with, "Calm down please, how can I take care of someone else when I can't even take care of myself? I am about to lose my job and my home and I do not have a car." I responded to him saying, "Be there for him, not financially but emotionally. Call him, he may be 14 months old but he still likes to listen on the phone and say hi. Call once a week. If you try and get your life straight before seeing Kenny, it may just be too late. I know you told me about your phone situation but I'm sure your friends have cell phones and there are still pay phone. You can also get a pay as you go phone. Just try.I have no problem with you seeing Kenny. I have a problem with you not." I hope that there will be a change but I'm sure that he's going to try to come up with excuses for everything.

Get What You Deserve

Life seemed great until I was hit like a ton of bricks. Why is it men think they can get away with not providing for their children? I am enraged to the point I want to drive back to VA and give it to my son's father. How do I deal with knowing my son is being neglected by his father because he chooses to live his life as if my son doesn't exist? He's talking up his first born son as if he's the only one. He's not and wait when that child finds out what type of person his father is. To not know you have a sibling out there and know there was a chance in time that you could have known that person and your parent takes that away from you would really give you a different opinion of that parent. I know it's a good thing that my son's father isn't in his life but it breaks my heart. How do I tell him later in life how things happened and is father didn't want him. That his father asked me to abort him 3 times? Then he uses it against me when he's mad at me. My son deserves a father. A father that loves his as much as I do and would risk his life for him. What if my son blames me? I wonder if my son will have a stronger bond with me since I am the only one in his life but, I also wonder if he'll still push me away. I know he loves me. You can see it in his eyes everyday but I have a fear that he won't show me that he loves me as much as I show him. It will just tear me apart. All this because of a man. I fear that I will not meet the man that is suppose to come into our lives and become what I expect. It's not as if I'm putting a burden on him I'm giving him a chance to love and know what real love is. I never knew what it was until now.

Movin' On.

I finally took that giant step. I left my boyfriend and his kids and surprisingly, I feel relieved. Now I can focus on what really matters, my son. Oh get this, when I went to tell him I was leaving, he told me that he already figured that I was going to move out. To me that sounds like,"I've intentionally pissed you off enough to get you the fuck out of my house." No responce to it just said he knew it was going to happen. No need for knowing why just ok bye. I had to call him a few hours after because I need my school work and he seemed civil which surprised me. Then here it comes, 4:31 am I recieve a text message with him being all pissed. I guess it kicked in when he had to go to bed and he realized that I was not going to be there and won't be coming back other than for my own things. He's an idiot. I was not joking. So now he's mad at me because he just today read my last blog before this one. Wow, clueless? If I didn't want to have sex with him and didn't liked to be touched by him, wouldn't he have figured it out by now. I'm glad he's mature about it. Now, I'm focusing getting my school work done and acheiving my goal. I'm VERY glad that I have taken this step. I couldn't bear it much longer. It wasn't just about me either, it was about my son. Hey guys, get a clue, when a woman's child is involved don't expect to come first. That will never happen and nore will your children. Don't get me wrong we will love your children and help you take care of them but don't expect us to over look our own children for yours. Oh and guys, don't pretend to be a great father when you just sit on your ass watching t.v and drown out the sound of your crying children. And please feed your babies, not just once a day, 3 meals are essential. I believe it's considered neglect. It's funny when his ex-wife tells me that I'm the one that takes better care of his kids than he does. Now she's got something to worry about. If i were her I've give me a call. Those are a few tips and advice that I can give you right but I'm pretty damn sure that I'll be back for more. :o* You guys are great. Keep on readin'.

Updated Photos of Us <3.

Get This.

So, I've come to realize that a relationship that includes kids is really hard. You no longer judge on who they are but, also, on how they raise their children and their views on parenting. I believe I jumped into my relationship too early before knowing anything about him and his parenting. I'm a disciplinarian. Him, not so much. It's always, "well, I've seen it with Chloe ( His x's daughter ) so there is not anything I can do, it's just a phase." All because he doesn't get his kids until Thursday night then has to give them back Monday morning. To be honest wth you, when he has his kids I hate him. I can't stand being around him. I can't stand how his kids are angels and mine is the one causing hell. How his daughter is close to 10 months old and he freaks when my 12 month old son has to crawl over her when she's in the way of his path. When they are here, my son doesn't get his toys because Jack (his son) has claimed them and doesn't get his binkies because his son and him are always giving them to his daughter, Dakota. For example, Kenny just had his first birthday on Friday. We had a party on Saturday for him and he got a Tonka Truck that his second cousin bought him, he's only had a chance to play with it once and that was to 1:00 am when Jack was sleeping. Another example, I just bought Kenny 2 new pooh bear binkies because the other ones got lost due to him letting his daughter using them and loosing them. Well, There is now only one and she's ALWAYS using it. I swear, I want to pull my hair out. Oh, get this, Sunday morning Steve was doing stuff around the house and I was washing Kenny's glow worm since it was dirty, Kenny and Dakota were in the hallway playing with Kenny's new Leap Frog Alphabet Ride-on Train, Kenny tries to get on it and it falls over right infront of Dakota and Kenny was just over top of her legs. I run over because I know how Steve freaks out over something happening to his kids. Steve comes over and takes the toy away from Kenny like he did something wrong. Who the fuck does he think he is? Not my son's father so he does NOT have the right to take anything of his away from him. He knew I was livid. I asked him,"Why did you take that away?!" He resonded with, " Niether one of us can watch him ." Which I know it had nothing to do with him except him causing harm to Dakota. I'm not an idiot. I did not talk to him for half of the day. I don't understand, he isn't Kenny's father and doesn't want to be but wants to act like his authority. I don't fucking think so.

I Wish I Could Tell Him

My hair is flat (ICK!)

I think I've fallen for him. I wish I could tell him but I'm afraid that it is way too early. Yeah, he's going though a lot but, he needs to hear it. He needs to know someone does love him. I never thought I would truthfully find someone who understands me. Who I feel so comfortable around and makes me feel safe. I never get tired of seeing him. I get more bothered when I can't see him than when I am with him. Never did I think this was possible but it happened and I'm as happy as can be. I know he cares a LOT for me, but does he love me too? He's so affectionate with me, like i've never seen before. But does he love me too? I love you and wish us to be together for a long time.

Tattoo Number Nine