Kenny's about to turn 2 in a month and I'm already pulling my hair out and just wanting to cry. In the process of CONSTANTLY cleaning up, he just goes right back and destroys the house. I've woken up to permanent marker on the doors and walls, him playing in my fish tank (sitting on the bar where the 250lb tank sat), crayon on walls and doors (who knows where he found them), stamp padded doors and walls, beads strung all over the floor (the beads are the size of a crumb), him ripping the keys off my key board (3 times), etc. I know he loves to color and stamp and everything else but when he's got the crayons he colors on anything and everything. I feel like it's only my child. Like he's such a bad kid. I love him so much but I can't deal with it. I get NO help from anyone. I don't even have someone saying...."You know Brittany, you don't leave the house and you never have time to yourself, I'll stay home and watch Kenny, why don't you go out and have a good time? Don't worry about us, we'll be fine." Everyday I'm stressed and I know it. There are many days I just wan to be left alone and not have to be a parent. I know it sounds bad but I have gotten one break since the day he was born and that's because she stayed the night with my cousin. It's going on 2 years. I emotionally can't do it all the time. I catch myself screaming and yelling constantly. Spanking him or sending him to his room. Yes I so love on him a lot and he is a good kid but there is that other side. The only contact to the outside world that I have is my computer. I feel trapped in my own home. I also feel that I am seen for by my own son is the live in Nanny. He calls my mother Mom. He calls her husban Daddy. He will not say Grammy or Pop Pop. Yes he does call me mom but he doesnt get excited over me like my does my mother. The sad thing is, when he is around her she gets irritated with him and doesn't give him much of her time. Steve, her husband, gives Kenny more attention then she does. I know there are days Kenny feels like he has to compete with my lap top. I don't ignore him and I don't neglect him, he's just tired of not having a buddy to play with all the time. I know I'm a bad mom and my emotions take over more so than my intelect. I don't stop and think.. if I do this, this will happen. I know I need to but how do I when I get so upset? I'm at a breaking point. My heart is breaking while my eyeare filled with tears. Why out of all people was I chosen to do this alone? Does it really make me that much stronger? I think it's just making me crazy. At this point in my life I want to just go hide in a closet and cry. This is not what I planned. This is not where I thought I would be at 21. I need help.
