The Past I Have to Live With

It has been 9 years since I have seen my father. Which was a choice I had made at the age of 13 because I thought it was what my mother wanted. Never once did I think, "What do I want?" Because in this life that I lead, I never get the option to think about what I want. I have grown up thinking of ways to please my mother which has recently told me it's all about her. My mother who has raped me of everything I have: my car, my license, my credit, my independence, my things, and even tries with my own son. I wish I could go back to when I was a child and had followed through with my decision to move in with my dad. Hell, I wish I could take back all those nasty things that I had said to him when I was 18 years old and naive. It is too late to do any of that. It is too late to fix what has been broken. My father died last year Sep. 17, 2008 from Leukemia and my mother always said "It'll come back and bite him in the ass" as if she hoped it on him. When that day came, I felt my heart get ripped out of my chest and it fall into a million pieces and those million pieces broke into another million pieces. I have now since the day i heard that he had passed away have begun to cry more from the loss of my father. He didn't deserve what my mother did to him, he didn't deserve what I did to him. My mother had poisoned us with hate for our father. What kind of parent does that? My mom even got remarried recently and mentioned me calling her new husband dad. I will never call anyone else dad. Well, my heart is aching and wish I could just fix it but it will take time. A lot of time. Knowing my father will never walk me down the isle and never will I be able to have a father daughter dance at my wedding. I will no let anyone else walk me down the isle. I will not let anyone replace him. He will have a reserved seat at my wedding. I hope that he is looking over me and Kenny and still smiles and sees that little girl that I use to be. That little girl that he always called Princess. I love you daddy, I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for everything. I wish I knew what I know now back then. Love Always, Princess.