Burden?
So, I was watching Desperate House Wives today and I have to say.... I am very glad to be a single parent though I have my times where I just need time to myself. I feel like I need to get away. In the episode of Desperate House Wives one of the women had a little boy with their boy friend and they had split up over time. As the father of her child had a new girl friend the little boys mother was not happy that the other woman was starting to intrude. She confronted the new girl friend and the new girl friend basically told the mother to get over it because the child father will be moving in with her. Just then I felt for the mother. I don't ever want to go through something like that. I don't think I would be able to control myself. I am my child's only mother and no other woman will take him away from me. I would get so sick and tired of hearing about the other woman that is with my ex and has my child playing mommy to him. Though I feel my son needs a father. I do have moments to where I wish is father was in his life and loved him as much as I do but I know what will never happen. I'm sorry that my child has to be with out his father and won't be able to call someone dad or daddy. But he's at least got a male roll model in his life. My mother just recently remarried after 20 years and her husband is great with Kenny.
Another topic I wanna go off on a tangent about is finally being on my own. I want to get a job and make enough money to take care of myself and my son but I also feel in a place that because I have my child and no one to watch him I'm held back from giving us those things. Please don't judge me for the things I'm about to say because I love my son to death but there are times I wish I had decided to give him to a loving family who couldn't have children. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and I can not even provide for him. He's denied a father and I feel like a shitty ass mother because I'm not even working and I get so irritated with him. We are together and have been 24/7 since he was born. Yeah I worked a month a few months after I had him but I need time away. I hate where I am at in life and at only 21 this is not what I had hoped. I've lost so much and I feel like I'll never get those things back. No matter how hard I try. There is this evil force that is just holding me back. If I work I have to base my schedule around my mother or others. I cant even be myself. I know no one. I don't even have any girl friends that I can get together with and have play dates. My son has no children to play with. It's horrible I think. It's just us two and I know he's so sick of me. I can't afford to take him to day care. I feel help less and lost. I know I have 11 months left until I get my license back which will be a process in itself. I hope that once I have my license and a car I can do the things I want. I'm sck and tired of living under my parents roof. I'm sad that I see all my friends back in VA are already on their own and some are already married with kids. I really want that life for me. I want the family life where everything is ok and financially stable. Where I can live on my own and not feel horrible that I have to ask for a few bucks for diapers. I know I'm a burden on everyone and I am tireed of feeling like I am a burden though no one will say it.
Another topic I wanna go off on a tangent about is finally being on my own. I want to get a job and make enough money to take care of myself and my son but I also feel in a place that because I have my child and no one to watch him I'm held back from giving us those things. Please don't judge me for the things I'm about to say because I love my son to death but there are times I wish I had decided to give him to a loving family who couldn't have children. I feel like I'm not being fair to him and I can not even provide for him. He's denied a father and I feel like a shitty ass mother because I'm not even working and I get so irritated with him. We are together and have been 24/7 since he was born. Yeah I worked a month a few months after I had him but I need time away. I hate where I am at in life and at only 21 this is not what I had hoped. I've lost so much and I feel like I'll never get those things back. No matter how hard I try. There is this evil force that is just holding me back. If I work I have to base my schedule around my mother or others. I cant even be myself. I know no one. I don't even have any girl friends that I can get together with and have play dates. My son has no children to play with. It's horrible I think. It's just us two and I know he's so sick of me. I can't afford to take him to day care. I feel help less and lost. I know I have 11 months left until I get my license back which will be a process in itself. I hope that once I have my license and a car I can do the things I want. I'm sck and tired of living under my parents roof. I'm sad that I see all my friends back in VA are already on their own and some are already married with kids. I really want that life for me. I want the family life where everything is ok and financially stable. Where I can live on my own and not feel horrible that I have to ask for a few bucks for diapers. I know I'm a burden on everyone and I am tireed of feeling like I am a burden though no one will say it.
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