In one of my recent blogs I talk about my parenting. Last night I had one of the worst experiences in my life, so far. As a worried mother I had to think on my feet and not panic. My 14 month old little boy had just gotten bitten on the face by our own dog for the 3rd time. Unlike the times before, nothing serious had happened a little scrape here and a couple scratches there. This time, my boy had to get stitches. Twelve to be exact. That's where my parenting ability is not questioned. To see how quick I rush to help him and my mother used her own hand to keep the gashes from bleeding. As we drove to the Childrens ER I did not panic or speed and I held my ground. Yes I was shaking and my heart was hurting for my son, but there is a time for all of that and that is after my child has been taken care of. The Doctor was great and did everything he could to make Kenny feel comfortable. Up until they had to hold him down to sew him up. At that point where he was being sewn up he had fallen asleep for a few minutes from fighting the two nurses that held him down. At least that is the story from my mother, I could not bare to sit in the room and watch my precious son being held down and a needle going in and out of his face, while screaming. Other than making me woosie, I would cry because there is nothing I could do. My mother has been there for my brother's stitches in his forehead and a lot of deep cuts needing medical attention. Usually was covered by butterfly bandaids. After everything had gone down, my mother told me I did great and handled the situation wonderful. I do remember the feeling of wanting to hurtle the baby gate to get to the washclothes in the linen closet to use to put pressure on the wound. As a mother I protect my child so tomorrow the dog will be gone. I have already recieved a call from Animal Control which I have to return their call tomorrow. This would be the first report on the dog but the second time the dog has bit him and him needing to be seen. Now he's on antibiotics getting better and is still cheerful as he was before. He isn't afraid of the dog but I curtainly am. Fearful for this to happen again and her just mawl him the next time. I made my baby's beautiful face and I'm not ready to deal with him losing it and my masterpiece being ruined. He's a beautiful little boy and will always be in my eyes.

This One's Especially For You!

Step back and take a look at yourself. It's not that I'm not happy because of me, it's because of you. Don't be mad at me because you're mad at yourself. Understand something, it's not "taking us in" when we're paying half your rent and utilities. Realize we bought your groceries, $170 worth and your ass ate them. You say I'm not appreciative, you're not appreciative. It's not that we don't appreciate you letting us live in your home , but you need to do the same. My mother had bought groceries for you house who knows how many times and you've always made sure you ate them. You always put up your guard when it's about your kids. I'm sorry they arn't perfect and neither is mine. I have accepted it, you need to do the same. When I say I don't get sleep when your kids are here, it's because you let them scream in the middle of the night when they don't feel good. You also bitch about how they or your daughter keeps you up all night. On top of that, they wake up Kenny. Oh, this is for Ryan, keep your nose in your own business, this has nothing to do with you!!! If i'm not happy, I'm not happy. Nothing can change that since you don't try. You haven't tried since the day I left you, you just bought me flowers to let me know you fucked up. You lacked in communication and you still do. I believe you did not stay over Chuck's house last night when you have the ability of going out trying to find a new girl before this one is out. You were 100% capable of it because you know I can't go anywhere. What makes me think you didn't? Nothing. I know you did. Last night made me realize you are just like Brandon and Rich. Leaving me to sleep in bed by myself while you went out and had fun. You are no better than them. Hell atleast Brandon didn't neglect me when he cheated on me. Rich might have used me but he still treated me better when I was around. I atleast got something amazing out of Rich, my son. You, a life learned lesson on what to look out for. I'm pissed because you blame this on me when you need to take a step back and look at yourself.

Parenting

As a parent I often wonder if I am doing right by my son. I spend every waking moment with him since I am a stay at home mom. Since I am stuck in a house all day with out transportation, there isn't much to do. I get board easily and I know Kenny does too. He loves to go bye-bye because it is so rare. We do play out side at the play ground but the play ground is in front of the apartment. No more than 40 feet away. The pool is right around the corner no more than 2 seconds away. The apartment complex is not located near any shopping centers. It's a great location when it comes to being close to all the interstates and highways but it's the worst location when it comes to close shopping. Since the location sucks for me and there is no way of transportation I can not take Kenny any where until my mother or Steve gets off work which is usually late and the only thing open is wal*mart. I have noticed being cooped up in the house all day makes me fussy and I know it does the same thing to Kenny. I don't mean to get to mad at him for getting into stuff that I repeatedly tell him not to get into but I feel like I live my life on the same schedule everyday. Nothing new happens. I have no friends to go do things with and no family. When I get frustrated I look forward to putting Kenny down for a nap. I try not to put Kenny to bed early since it will throw him all out of whack. I try to get down on the floor and play with him and when he brings me books I try to read to him but all of that doesn't last very long because he's all over the place. He will pick up a book and bring it to me. I'll read it and then 2 pages into the book he gets up and does something different. I also question my parenting ability because I can not provide for my son. My mother does. I've tried to get hired but no one in Arizona will hire me. When I can't buy food for him when there is NOTHING in the house upsets me. I want him to have the best and never go hungry. My boyfriend also provides for us both but, he's tight. $40- $60 on groceries to last 2 weeks. That only lasts 2 days. Since Kenny and I are the only ones home no one thinks about what we have to try to eat and scrounge up to eat. They (Steve and mom) will come home and bitch about not having anything to eat, while they are at work eating fast food or their employees/ coworkers will bring pizza for them to eat. Kenny and I don't have shit. As I'm at home and can't find a job to support my son, I'm working on my Associates degree in the Arts of Medical Care- Pharmacy Practice. It is tough to do, I know it will be even tougher if i can get a job. My mother tells me that I am doing a great job but, I still question myself. I want Kenny to love me with all his heart and show me, not grow up and hate me thinking I never spent any time with him and never showed him how much I love him.

Is It Possible?

After talking, well, ripping kenny's father a new ass hole, he finally responded to my message which completely shocked me. I told him how I really felt and he responded to me with, "Calm down please, how can I take care of someone else when I can't even take care of myself? I am about to lose my job and my home and I do not have a car." I responded to him saying, "Be there for him, not financially but emotionally. Call him, he may be 14 months old but he still likes to listen on the phone and say hi. Call once a week. If you try and get your life straight before seeing Kenny, it may just be too late. I know you told me about your phone situation but I'm sure your friends have cell phones and there are still pay phone. You can also get a pay as you go phone. Just try.I have no problem with you seeing Kenny. I have a problem with you not." I hope that there will be a change but I'm sure that he's going to try to come up with excuses for everything.

Get What You Deserve

Life seemed great until I was hit like a ton of bricks. Why is it men think they can get away with not providing for their children? I am enraged to the point I want to drive back to VA and give it to my son's father. How do I deal with knowing my son is being neglected by his father because he chooses to live his life as if my son doesn't exist? He's talking up his first born son as if he's the only one. He's not and wait when that child finds out what type of person his father is. To not know you have a sibling out there and know there was a chance in time that you could have known that person and your parent takes that away from you would really give you a different opinion of that parent. I know it's a good thing that my son's father isn't in his life but it breaks my heart. How do I tell him later in life how things happened and is father didn't want him. That his father asked me to abort him 3 times? Then he uses it against me when he's mad at me. My son deserves a father. A father that loves his as much as I do and would risk his life for him. What if my son blames me? I wonder if my son will have a stronger bond with me since I am the only one in his life but, I also wonder if he'll still push me away. I know he loves me. You can see it in his eyes everyday but I have a fear that he won't show me that he loves me as much as I show him. It will just tear me apart. All this because of a man. I fear that I will not meet the man that is suppose to come into our lives and become what I expect. It's not as if I'm putting a burden on him I'm giving him a chance to love and know what real love is. I never knew what it was until now.