On My Last Nerve

So many things are bothering me and I am here to let them out. Why is it that when the kids get new stuff Kenny can't play with them but when Kenny has toys everyone is allowed to play with it? There are things that I can't buy for my son because Iknow it will be a fight between kids or there isn't enough space. I am very protective of kenny's things and everyone who reads these know that. Tonight Kenny's leg got stuck in his crib and he screamed bloody murder. I couldn't even get it out as easy as usual. Steve gets a tone as if Kenny's doing it intentionally and it pisses me off. I'm sorry I don't say shit about your kids keep your mouth shut with mine. So his daughter's first birthday is today and he's having a birthday party for her and the family is going to the Zoo on sunday. Now, I'm not invited and we live together and I will be home with Kenny as everyone is having their fun. FUCK YOU ALL!

Proud Mommy

Today, I got to watch Kenny play with a simple wire and block toy that you usually see in a doctors office and the age range was 2+. He was so focused on sliding the wooden blocks up and down the the wires and I noticed how he was soaking up the knowledge. I saw how advanced and smart he is. I am always so proud of him but today I saw a little boy ans not a baby. I miss having him sleep on my chest but I love him being a boy. I can show the world on what a WONDERFUL job I am doing and what an AMAZING little boy Kenny is. The other night, we went to Steve's mom's house and Kenny decided to play with wooden and cork coasters. I sat and watched him dump the coasters out of their holder and put them back. Not just any way. If he put the cork facing down he would take that one out and flip it over to make it look like all the rest. He's very smart for being 14 months old. I am also very proud on how big he is. He is very tall and strong. As he had his stitches removed today, he way laying strapped into a papoose. I was lying on his legs, my mother was holding his arms, and the nurse was holding his head. He had managed to wiggle out of that papoose 3 times. He's a fighter and that makes me very proud. There is no way that I can even think about getting stitches let alone getting stitches in the face. He is mommy's little warrior.

In one of my recent blogs I talk about my parenting. Last night I had one of the worst experiences in my life, so far. As a worried mother I had to think on my feet and not panic. My 14 month old little boy had just gotten bitten on the face by our own dog for the 3rd time. Unlike the times before, nothing serious had happened a little scrape here and a couple scratches there. This time, my boy had to get stitches. Twelve to be exact. That's where my parenting ability is not questioned. To see how quick I rush to help him and my mother used her own hand to keep the gashes from bleeding. As we drove to the Childrens ER I did not panic or speed and I held my ground. Yes I was shaking and my heart was hurting for my son, but there is a time for all of that and that is after my child has been taken care of. The Doctor was great and did everything he could to make Kenny feel comfortable. Up until they had to hold him down to sew him up. At that point where he was being sewn up he had fallen asleep for a few minutes from fighting the two nurses that held him down. At least that is the story from my mother, I could not bare to sit in the room and watch my precious son being held down and a needle going in and out of his face, while screaming. Other than making me woosie, I would cry because there is nothing I could do. My mother has been there for my brother's stitches in his forehead and a lot of deep cuts needing medical attention. Usually was covered by butterfly bandaids. After everything had gone down, my mother told me I did great and handled the situation wonderful. I do remember the feeling of wanting to hurtle the baby gate to get to the washclothes in the linen closet to use to put pressure on the wound. As a mother I protect my child so tomorrow the dog will be gone. I have already recieved a call from Animal Control which I have to return their call tomorrow. This would be the first report on the dog but the second time the dog has bit him and him needing to be seen. Now he's on antibiotics getting better and is still cheerful as he was before. He isn't afraid of the dog but I curtainly am. Fearful for this to happen again and her just mawl him the next time. I made my baby's beautiful face and I'm not ready to deal with him losing it and my masterpiece being ruined. He's a beautiful little boy and will always be in my eyes.

This One's Especially For You!

Step back and take a look at yourself. It's not that I'm not happy because of me, it's because of you. Don't be mad at me because you're mad at yourself. Understand something, it's not "taking us in" when we're paying half your rent and utilities. Realize we bought your groceries, $170 worth and your ass ate them. You say I'm not appreciative, you're not appreciative. It's not that we don't appreciate you letting us live in your home , but you need to do the same. My mother had bought groceries for you house who knows how many times and you've always made sure you ate them. You always put up your guard when it's about your kids. I'm sorry they arn't perfect and neither is mine. I have accepted it, you need to do the same. When I say I don't get sleep when your kids are here, it's because you let them scream in the middle of the night when they don't feel good. You also bitch about how they or your daughter keeps you up all night. On top of that, they wake up Kenny. Oh, this is for Ryan, keep your nose in your own business, this has nothing to do with you!!! If i'm not happy, I'm not happy. Nothing can change that since you don't try. You haven't tried since the day I left you, you just bought me flowers to let me know you fucked up. You lacked in communication and you still do. I believe you did not stay over Chuck's house last night when you have the ability of going out trying to find a new girl before this one is out. You were 100% capable of it because you know I can't go anywhere. What makes me think you didn't? Nothing. I know you did. Last night made me realize you are just like Brandon and Rich. Leaving me to sleep in bed by myself while you went out and had fun. You are no better than them. Hell atleast Brandon didn't neglect me when he cheated on me. Rich might have used me but he still treated me better when I was around. I atleast got something amazing out of Rich, my son. You, a life learned lesson on what to look out for. I'm pissed because you blame this on me when you need to take a step back and look at yourself.

Parenting

As a parent I often wonder if I am doing right by my son. I spend every waking moment with him since I am a stay at home mom. Since I am stuck in a house all day with out transportation, there isn't much to do. I get board easily and I know Kenny does too. He loves to go bye-bye because it is so rare. We do play out side at the play ground but the play ground is in front of the apartment. No more than 40 feet away. The pool is right around the corner no more than 2 seconds away. The apartment complex is not located near any shopping centers. It's a great location when it comes to being close to all the interstates and highways but it's the worst location when it comes to close shopping. Since the location sucks for me and there is no way of transportation I can not take Kenny any where until my mother or Steve gets off work which is usually late and the only thing open is wal*mart. I have noticed being cooped up in the house all day makes me fussy and I know it does the same thing to Kenny. I don't mean to get to mad at him for getting into stuff that I repeatedly tell him not to get into but I feel like I live my life on the same schedule everyday. Nothing new happens. I have no friends to go do things with and no family. When I get frustrated I look forward to putting Kenny down for a nap. I try not to put Kenny to bed early since it will throw him all out of whack. I try to get down on the floor and play with him and when he brings me books I try to read to him but all of that doesn't last very long because he's all over the place. He will pick up a book and bring it to me. I'll read it and then 2 pages into the book he gets up and does something different. I also question my parenting ability because I can not provide for my son. My mother does. I've tried to get hired but no one in Arizona will hire me. When I can't buy food for him when there is NOTHING in the house upsets me. I want him to have the best and never go hungry. My boyfriend also provides for us both but, he's tight. $40- $60 on groceries to last 2 weeks. That only lasts 2 days. Since Kenny and I are the only ones home no one thinks about what we have to try to eat and scrounge up to eat. They (Steve and mom) will come home and bitch about not having anything to eat, while they are at work eating fast food or their employees/ coworkers will bring pizza for them to eat. Kenny and I don't have shit. As I'm at home and can't find a job to support my son, I'm working on my Associates degree in the Arts of Medical Care- Pharmacy Practice. It is tough to do, I know it will be even tougher if i can get a job. My mother tells me that I am doing a great job but, I still question myself. I want Kenny to love me with all his heart and show me, not grow up and hate me thinking I never spent any time with him and never showed him how much I love him.

Is It Possible?

After talking, well, ripping kenny's father a new ass hole, he finally responded to my message which completely shocked me. I told him how I really felt and he responded to me with, "Calm down please, how can I take care of someone else when I can't even take care of myself? I am about to lose my job and my home and I do not have a car." I responded to him saying, "Be there for him, not financially but emotionally. Call him, he may be 14 months old but he still likes to listen on the phone and say hi. Call once a week. If you try and get your life straight before seeing Kenny, it may just be too late. I know you told me about your phone situation but I'm sure your friends have cell phones and there are still pay phone. You can also get a pay as you go phone. Just try.I have no problem with you seeing Kenny. I have a problem with you not." I hope that there will be a change but I'm sure that he's going to try to come up with excuses for everything.

Get What You Deserve

Life seemed great until I was hit like a ton of bricks. Why is it men think they can get away with not providing for their children? I am enraged to the point I want to drive back to VA and give it to my son's father. How do I deal with knowing my son is being neglected by his father because he chooses to live his life as if my son doesn't exist? He's talking up his first born son as if he's the only one. He's not and wait when that child finds out what type of person his father is. To not know you have a sibling out there and know there was a chance in time that you could have known that person and your parent takes that away from you would really give you a different opinion of that parent. I know it's a good thing that my son's father isn't in his life but it breaks my heart. How do I tell him later in life how things happened and is father didn't want him. That his father asked me to abort him 3 times? Then he uses it against me when he's mad at me. My son deserves a father. A father that loves his as much as I do and would risk his life for him. What if my son blames me? I wonder if my son will have a stronger bond with me since I am the only one in his life but, I also wonder if he'll still push me away. I know he loves me. You can see it in his eyes everyday but I have a fear that he won't show me that he loves me as much as I show him. It will just tear me apart. All this because of a man. I fear that I will not meet the man that is suppose to come into our lives and become what I expect. It's not as if I'm putting a burden on him I'm giving him a chance to love and know what real love is. I never knew what it was until now.

Movin' On.

I finally took that giant step. I left my boyfriend and his kids and surprisingly, I feel relieved. Now I can focus on what really matters, my son. Oh get this, when I went to tell him I was leaving, he told me that he already figured that I was going to move out. To me that sounds like,"I've intentionally pissed you off enough to get you the fuck out of my house." No responce to it just said he knew it was going to happen. No need for knowing why just ok bye. I had to call him a few hours after because I need my school work and he seemed civil which surprised me. Then here it comes, 4:31 am I recieve a text message with him being all pissed. I guess it kicked in when he had to go to bed and he realized that I was not going to be there and won't be coming back other than for my own things. He's an idiot. I was not joking. So now he's mad at me because he just today read my last blog before this one. Wow, clueless? If I didn't want to have sex with him and didn't liked to be touched by him, wouldn't he have figured it out by now. I'm glad he's mature about it. Now, I'm focusing getting my school work done and acheiving my goal. I'm VERY glad that I have taken this step. I couldn't bear it much longer. It wasn't just about me either, it was about my son. Hey guys, get a clue, when a woman's child is involved don't expect to come first. That will never happen and nore will your children. Don't get me wrong we will love your children and help you take care of them but don't expect us to over look our own children for yours. Oh and guys, don't pretend to be a great father when you just sit on your ass watching t.v and drown out the sound of your crying children. And please feed your babies, not just once a day, 3 meals are essential. I believe it's considered neglect. It's funny when his ex-wife tells me that I'm the one that takes better care of his kids than he does. Now she's got something to worry about. If i were her I've give me a call. Those are a few tips and advice that I can give you right but I'm pretty damn sure that I'll be back for more. :o* You guys are great. Keep on readin'.

Updated Photos of Us <3.

Get This.

So, I've come to realize that a relationship that includes kids is really hard. You no longer judge on who they are but, also, on how they raise their children and their views on parenting. I believe I jumped into my relationship too early before knowing anything about him and his parenting. I'm a disciplinarian. Him, not so much. It's always, "well, I've seen it with Chloe ( His x's daughter ) so there is not anything I can do, it's just a phase." All because he doesn't get his kids until Thursday night then has to give them back Monday morning. To be honest wth you, when he has his kids I hate him. I can't stand being around him. I can't stand how his kids are angels and mine is the one causing hell. How his daughter is close to 10 months old and he freaks when my 12 month old son has to crawl over her when she's in the way of his path. When they are here, my son doesn't get his toys because Jack (his son) has claimed them and doesn't get his binkies because his son and him are always giving them to his daughter, Dakota. For example, Kenny just had his first birthday on Friday. We had a party on Saturday for him and he got a Tonka Truck that his second cousin bought him, he's only had a chance to play with it once and that was to 1:00 am when Jack was sleeping. Another example, I just bought Kenny 2 new pooh bear binkies because the other ones got lost due to him letting his daughter using them and loosing them. Well, There is now only one and she's ALWAYS using it. I swear, I want to pull my hair out. Oh, get this, Sunday morning Steve was doing stuff around the house and I was washing Kenny's glow worm since it was dirty, Kenny and Dakota were in the hallway playing with Kenny's new Leap Frog Alphabet Ride-on Train, Kenny tries to get on it and it falls over right infront of Dakota and Kenny was just over top of her legs. I run over because I know how Steve freaks out over something happening to his kids. Steve comes over and takes the toy away from Kenny like he did something wrong. Who the fuck does he think he is? Not my son's father so he does NOT have the right to take anything of his away from him. He knew I was livid. I asked him,"Why did you take that away?!" He resonded with, " Niether one of us can watch him ." Which I know it had nothing to do with him except him causing harm to Dakota. I'm not an idiot. I did not talk to him for half of the day. I don't understand, he isn't Kenny's father and doesn't want to be but wants to act like his authority. I don't fucking think so.

I Wish I Could Tell Him

My hair is flat (ICK!)

I think I've fallen for him. I wish I could tell him but I'm afraid that it is way too early. Yeah, he's going though a lot but, he needs to hear it. He needs to know someone does love him. I never thought I would truthfully find someone who understands me. Who I feel so comfortable around and makes me feel safe. I never get tired of seeing him. I get more bothered when I can't see him than when I am with him. Never did I think this was possible but it happened and I'm as happy as can be. I know he cares a LOT for me, but does he love me too? He's so affectionate with me, like i've never seen before. But does he love me too? I love you and wish us to be together for a long time.

Tattoo Number Nine

Don't Ask Stupid Questions If You Truely Feel Bothered About The Subject

Yesterday, I was a freaking idiot. I never thought seeing a picture of my special someone with his ex would hurt me so much. Yeah, I tried to cover up how I felt so I said things about her but, later, I had to go to the restroom to just let it out. Still trying to hide the fact that I was upset and crying, he came over to me, when i got out of the bathroom, and tried to talk to me. Which made everything worse. I didn't think it would even bother me. It normally doesn't. . We've only been together for such a short amount of time and it hurt me that much. I know we spend a lot of time together but I shouldn't feel this way this early. I hope that this isn't going to cause any problems in the future. I guess he now knows how much I feel since something that small hit me so hard. I know he won't ever go back to her. At least I hope. He's told me the stories but I hope he keeps to those stories. I pray the court date to finalize his dirorce comes VERY soon. Like I told him last night, when he's divorced it won't be as easy to get back with her like it would be right now. Since legally he's still married to her. Once he's divorced he'd have to go through the whole marraige stuff again. I hope this is the only time that I get upset through our relationship, at least it being about her.

Here's To The Girls!

What's so poignant about this picture?

Well, it shows a line of little girls holding hands facing the immensity of ocean waves.

Alone they might be washed away, but together they stand strong.

Thank you each for holding my hand somewhere along the way when I was facing a wave of my own. I hope you will reach for my hand when your own wave threatens.

All of us girls..

Old and young...

Near and far...

Hold special memories of good times we've shared.

We've had our share of hard times when our friends were there to make us feel better.

We've shared...

our hearts

our time

our secrets

our fears

our hopes

and our dreams.

Let us never break the chain of friends!

1 Someone will always be prettier.

Someone will always be smarter.

Their house will be bigger.

They will drive a better car.

Their children will do better in school.

And their husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go, Be Happy!

And love yourself and your circumstances.

Think about it.

The prettiest woman in the world can have trouble in her heart.

And the most highly favoured woman on your job may be unable to have children.

And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely. And the word says if 'I have not Love, I have nothing.'

So, again, love you.

Love who you are.

Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say

'I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!'

I like that!

'Winners make things happen.

Losers let things happen'

Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.

'To the world you might be one person,

But to one person you just might be the world'.

SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN

Just Some Pictures I'd Like To Share

*Kenny's perfect blog picture*


*Mommy and son*


*A day at the playground*


*Father and Son time*

*He loves his little sister so much*




*Daddy's little girl*

*Jack*

*Dakota*



*Finally, my dearest little boy, Kenneth*

When You've Hit Bottom, You Can Only Go Up From There

After getting to the point of frustration and thinking that life just isn't going to go my way, something miraculous happened. Things started to get better. I got into online courses at University of Phoenix to persue a better life and prepare for our future. Along with that, got into a relationship, which so far has been wonderful and one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. No it will never top having my son. I have oticed with this relationship that I am much happier all around. I'm use to not having anyone help me just to be kind and when HE came along, all i have to say is, " I've got to go get the _____" and he's already doing it. I didn't ask or demand, he just does it to do it. It's definately amazing. Yeah, it's only been a real short period of time but, it definately doesn't feel like it at all. I never thought with in 9 hours of not seeing him I would be anxious. That's just from him going to work. We have so much in common: the same out looks on life and interrests. Just last night he had asked me a simle little question. "Are you always polite or were you raised to be that way?" That ment a lot to me. We got to talking about it. In his past relationship, she wouldn't thank him once for doing even something so small to help her out. How could you not appreciate the person that you have. Well, I'm glad she didn't just because if she did, I wouldn't have him now. He's a great father to his two little ones and I absolutely adore them. There is so much that I can rant about but I'll save you some time. So, when things seem to be a little dreary, hold you head up high and look forward to tomorrow because It's a brand new day and anything could happen. Steve, if you're reading this, I appreciate you so much! Thanks for being in my life.

Friends Arn't Really Friends At All.

One thing I've learned, if you arn't in the area anymore, you lose your friends. Out of all the friends I've had maybe a handful still talk to me. I'm sorry If I'm not convieniently there for your time. I've always been such a great friend to everyone and been there for them no matter what. I recently put up a little servey and I went back and read it. My friends compaired me to their other friends and aparently they don't appreciate me. They just used me. It's rediculous. I also noticed that when I was pregnant everyone was acting if they were there for support but the minute I had him, gone.My biggest support that has been there for me even when we are apart is my sister. We've been tight for a good 5+ years. That's another story. We've had our hardships but it's just made us even closer.

You Fool!

Ok. Explain this to me. He calls after not talking in months and tells me he's thinking about divorcing his wife leading me to think he wants to be with me. We can only talk while he's working because his wife suspects him of cheating. Which, he's not, yet. He has plans on cheating. He proceeds to tell me that he'd rather have me on the side instead of not at all. I told him I'm tired of being the girl on the side. I want to be the girl or not at all. So once we have fun sending pictures and doing our thing for 2 days, he just all of a sudden is all ," I can't talk because she's now thinking I'm cheating and I'll have to text you when ever it's over." Ok idiot! Delete your messages she won't know. It's not like we're doing anything. Plus, if it wasn't for me telling him that i didnt want to be with him then, she wouldnt have him or his baby. The bitch needs to be appreciative. He needs to be a man and stop fucking around. He's the one that jumped into a marriage and didn't know her for longer than 4 months. Then got her pregnant before they were even married. All because he was in such a rush to have a family. Just because I said no doesn't mean go get hitched immediately. He only wanted it because I was 2 months pregnant and had hopes of having a family when he was interrested. So when that didn't work out as planned he's gone and done something stupid. The only good thing that came out of it was his son. I'm so sick of it. Don't fuck with me. I know i said no to him but that was because he was constantly wanting to see me and I need my space and I let him know that. I also was playing my game with other men. I was going through my game phase. SO, after him being married I was emotionally crushed. I told him the day of his elopement not to, that I'll be with him and he didn't listen. Now look at what he's going through. He didn't listen to me. I know what I'm talking about my brother did the same damn thing. To this day he's not happy. Yeah, I'm pissed due to the fact he wants to just use me. He doesn't want me for me. He wants my shit. Sorry babe, I'm not the same woman as before. If you want me, it better be for me. Its now for love not fun.

What The Hell?!

You know what I don't get? Why they hell the cost of living is rediculous when the average person doesn't make near enough to live comfortably. If the average person is living comfortably financially they arn't living comfortably in their neighborhood. I'm sitting here looking for apartments and homes for rent and everything i $995 and above for homes, and good apartments are $850+ with complimentary surround sound into you'e neighbors apartment. We're trying to find a home so the baby and the dog have a place to play and run around but, the houses I've been finding in our price range are ghetto. If i was able to get a job and not have to pay for a baby sitter every week then maybe we could live comfortably. I swear people just make it so damn hard. I mean having to go get approved through D.E.S. for medical assistance and financial aid is just rediculous. You should see the lines in that place. The many people that go through what i do everyday. I was very close to going with out diapers and formula for my son today for 2 weeks. What happened to the days where one person worked and could afford to feed their whole family and provide a roof over their heads? Now both parents have to have full time jobs or one has to work 3 jobs just to keep their home. Will the future president really do anything about this. Yeah, their giving out money to the people that don't make 75,000 a year but it's only 600 and that's not going to do much. That's not fixing the problem. Hell, a few years ago they said the same damn shit and they gave out 500 instead of 600 and left it at that. I feel like they arn't going to make a change and everything will just be as it is. Hell, will they even pull the troops out of Iraq?

Just Because You're Family Doesn't Mean It's A Free Pass To Fucking Me Over

No matter where I go, there's always family that wants to fuck you over. In Florida it's my sister-in-law Kayla, here in Arizona it's my cousin Cynthia. I have already ranted about my sister-in-law now it's time to rant about my cousin. She just turned 18 in september and thinks she's hot stuff because she's got it all. An only child with parents that can't make up their mind on wether or not they want to divorce and Grandparents that believe she's innocent and she has played them well. Yeah so I'm not perfect, hell, far from perfect but I care. I don't try to be something I'm not. I've done so much for this girl and she hasn't said thank you or nothing. Just blames me. I being nice put her on my cell phone plan because her parents didnt want her to have a cell phone and i knew she needed one for when she was out and about. So that only deal was for her to pay her half so the phone would stay on because I couldnt pay it because I was pregnant and couldnt get a job. She understood that completely and agreed to it. Her parents were upset that i did her a favor and they wanted to take the phone from her and I let them know that it was not thier place to take my phone from her. Well, she never kept up to her word and 2 months later the phones were cut off. She blamed me though knowing I wasn't able to get a job. I told her she owed me money and all I wanted was 200 for the bill and not just the cancelation fee which was another 200. Along with that, it screwed my credit. She FINALLY started to pay me my money but has taken her 6 months. The last bit of money she owes me she wants to hold from me which now is holding from my child and telling me to be patient. I'm sorry but I'm not going to be patient. Because she's keeping the money from me, my child is with out a crib and food for next week. When I originally tried to get my money because i needed diapers form my son she told me she couldnt give me my money because she needed it to buy alcohol for her birthday party which if you haven't put 2 and 2 together, she's under age. After her birthday passed she told me her mother paid for her alcohol and now i have no idea where the money went. She's a straight up cunt. I mean to not even care about a child, a baby but to care about her party. It's fucked up because she knows what situation I'm in and she just doesnt care about anything but herself. Hell, she tried to tell me that she's got bills to pay and she has to take care of her mother like she's responsible for her mother. I'm sorry but her mother is cable able of working and wiping her own ass. My son isnt. That girl, when she has a child my ass will not be there and if she even comes to me bitching I'm not going to give a fuck. Right now I hope her life goes to shit and she gets stuck in the situation I'm in and it bites her in her fat ass.

The Relief

Well, yesturday I FINALLY arrived in Phoenix. The last hour of being on the same plane for 6 hours i was over it. I was ready to get off. I have to say Thank you to the me and women that helped me with the baby. The flight attendents and pilots helped me a lot. I had to use the restroom and i knew i would be way to small to fit so one the flight attendents held him as i went. Everytime they would walk by and see him awake the would talk to him or make faces at him.When i got off the plane i went to ge the stroller, car seat, and base, i looked up and saw it was all put together. That was the nicest thing they anyone has done for me. I thought i was going to striggle again with everything. The smallest things count. I guess they sorta knew that i was the only one with an infant on the plane and didn't have any help so they were kind enough to help. On my flight to Jacksonville was horrible. The frist plane i got on i had a little bit of help from the people on the plane and more from the man and woman that sat next to me. But my second flight I had all the same stuff and I asked if the guy could help me and he said he couldnt leave the plane. He just stood there and didnt even get someone else to help. As I'm gittery and struggling people behind me were getting impatient. I fet like crying. My face got all flush red out of being nervous. Once i met up with Mom and got my bags mom went to get the car, ha ha, she ended up getting on the wrong bus that took her to car rentals in phoenix instead of the terminal 3 parkin lot. I waited 30 minutes out side with the baby, which was the longest 30 minutes ever. I thought I was going to be left at the airport for the 2nd time. Well, mom came back and descided we'd go together. She was about panicing. So , we finally made it to the car and I can say is I'm finally home. So much weight was lifted and I could think of was why move. This is home. So, if we move it will be to a house but that's as far as it goes. Once we got home, Mom didn't want to go to work. She wanted to stay home and play with Kenny. Kenny and I took a nice long nap. Once Mom came home I got up out of bed and the baby slept. Mom came out of my bedroom and said."Man, I wish i can wake him up." I told her to wke him up, if not he wouldnt have slept at night. Oh I forgot to add that My friend and her husband came over with their boys and we played Guitar Hero and i spanked them both on easy but medium is a bit harder than I had expected. I enjoyed playing it. I only played it once and her husband thought i has practed for a while. So today, i did nothing. I took care of the baby and took a nice shower with a shower head that had some preasure behind it instead of the water droping out. And doing nothing and getting sleep makes me happy. Hell the baby feels at home he's slept for a while. Well, I'm out and will blog soon.

On My Way

Less than 24 hours until I'm on a plane and still so much to do. I've got to go though my stuff here and decide what must be shipped and what must go with me. Personally, I believe it could all be shipped because I have everything i need back in AZ but, I must take as much as i can. I'm also worried about the flight because I have to take my stroller and the car seat and base. Plus carry the baby in the sling and have the diaper bag. It's a lot for one person to handle but i must do it. I was suppose to sell the stroller and things that he's not using or wearing but, that didn't happen. At least all i have is get past is the flight and it'll be over. I can't believe I've accumulated so much stuff in such little time. Well, not really because I was here for Christmas. Everyone bought the baby a whole bunch of stuff and now that's what I'm stuck with. Because I want to take all Kenny's stuff, I'm having trouble trying to pack mine. It's very stressful. I also have to pack his formula, bottles, rice cereal, and bottle warmer.


Now there is 2 and a half hours until I have to leave and more stress is weighing down on me. Not due to me leaving but due to forgetting my stuff. Knowing I will never see it again and I have to say good bye. I don't to part with any of my stuff. At least not in this house. I've already had to track down 2 of my movies and my sons blanket that his cousin has claimed as hers that I haven't seen since we moved here. That would be about 2 months. Nothing gets found in this house. Due to the mess and the child. But, it will be all over in 10 hours. Peace is awaiting me at home. My home in AZ with my real family, my son and my mother.

The Little Things That Make You Smile

Kenneth Ray Ahlemeyer


As my son lays on the floor next to me, he plays. I look down at him and am amazed. Amazed at how quick he had learned so many things. It's just incredible.It took him no longer than a week to learn how to stick out his tongue and spit. No longer than a month to crawl and just out of no where he's learned how to grab his Binky and put it in his mouth. He still is struggling with putting the Binky in the right way but still that's a big achievement.
As he plays on the floor, he looks up. "HI, MOMMY!" his smile said. His smile stretched from ear to ear. I know no one could ever take that smile from me. His two cute little bottom teeth poking out of his gums. Which didn't take very long for them to come in.
As he smiles at me from the floor, he chuckles. It sounded as if someone had tickled him. Which is the hardest laugh to get but, the cutest. When he mumbles to me he squeaks, though, it's the funniest and cutest little squeak. When he tries to sound out words but only gets babbles it makes me smile. The way he pokes out his lips trying to get his mouth to make different sounds.
I love to watch him try to crawl across the floor making it look like he's hopping like a frog to keep his balance. Every little thing he does warms my heart.

Pon & Zi

I just wanted to share these pictures with the world. I absolutely love Pon & Zi.

Changing The Mistakes I've Made

So I just got off the phone and have decided I've had enough. To Arizona I will head and to where changes will be made. Though I hate how far away I will be, I will love how close to the life i once had. I've dealt with enough bull shit and a sorrow. It's time to take control of my life and live on. Not just for me but mostly for my son. I WILL fight for whats right and not just go with the flow of things to avoid confrontation. After the desperate cry out for help and there being an answer, my heart has been lifted of a ton. No more burden of whether my child will survive the next day or weather my child will eat. This is for you Kenneth Ray, I'm becoming a woman and doing what is right by you. No longer to please myself and others. You are who I live for. You depend on me and I hope to never let you down. I love you. This is for you!

The Life I Live To Love

So this is the first official blog and I've already got a lot to rant about. Let me start by saying a little about myself. A little over a year ago my life took a major turn for the better. December 2006 I had found out I was pregnant. Being a young woman, just starting to explore the world, no commitment to anyone or anything, living it up and bam out of no where I was pregnant. So many things ran through my head. I be damned if I aborted my child. I'm not that type of person. I waited until Christmas Eve to have told my mother about me being pregnant. I was worried that she would reach across the dinner table and beat me. Though, that's not what happened. As I sat by the window of a seafood restaurant trying to show no sign of morning sickness, my sister in law Kayla grabbed her 1 year old daughter up from the table and whisked away quickly knowing this was the moment. My brother looked up and Mom and easily said with a calming voice,"How do you feel about another addition to the family?" I had instantly hung my head as low as i could get it and fought back tears. My mother instantly assumed Kayla had been pregnant. My brother told her no and I could just feel her eyes on me. She said,"Brittany's pregnant?!" I looked up and she had the strangest face. She was excited. I can't say so much for my step dad sitting next to me. Then after he got though the shock he just breathed for a moment and said,"Honey, It's ok I still love you,I'm still here for you."
April 2007 hits, My mother and I had moved to Phoenix, Arizona out of irrational thinking. I have to say that was the biggest mistake of my life. My mother had gotten herself stuck in a jam once again in her life and ran from the situation. Sadly I was drug into it. Of coarse I could have said no but that was definitely much harder to do since I'd be staying back in Virginia with the one person she had hated. I would've never heard the end of it. So after the day of my baby shower we packed up and went on our way. Three days later we were in Tonopah, Arizona living with my grandparents. Oh I forgot to mention that I had traded in my Firebird for an SUV thinking we would use it. I could have bought anything out there and I got an Hyundai Santa Fe. Something else I greatly regret. Back to what I was saying. After living with my grandparents for 2 months my mother and I had enough and got our own apartment. From that point of moving into the apartment my credit went to shit. She had already had shitty credit and couldn't buy anything with it so she wanted me to use mine and put everything in my name since i had amazing credit. I went with it so we didn't go with out. Well, since I was 6 close to 7 months pregnant I couldn't get a job. Mom had already gotten a job and was suppose to make all the payments on my vehicle and insurance and on the house. Well, she failed to do that. The first thing that was turned off was Qwest. No phone no satellite. Then, mom went with me to look for a new vehicle and come to find out she was buying a car. I was ok with it because I didn't want to be car less. Well, my SUV ended up getting repossessed and the insurance was cut off. After trying to get an AZ state license because mine was getting ready to expire. I did not qualify. I called the DMV in VA and then I found out my license was suspended due to and uninsured vehicle. Thanks to my mother.

July 24, 2007, I ended up going into the hospital thinking my water had broke. They did tests on me but it hadn't. After hooking me up the the monitor they saw I was having contractions. So after all the walking I did the admitted me that night and induced me the next morning. July 25, 2007 at 12:57 pm little Kenneth Ray Ahlemeyer is born weighing 7 pounds 15.6 ounces and 21.5 inches long. Also, 3 weeks early. I finally got to meet the joy of my life.

November 13, 2007, We had finally landed in Jacksonville, Florida. Through all the term oil I had been through with my mother, I had finally had enough. My mother and I had and have always been close but it was just time to move out. I had made the decision to live with my brother James and his wife Kayla and daughter Arianna. Its taken a lot to adjust to but I'm hanging on by a thread. I didn't know having another child in the house was going to put so much wear and tear on me. Since I have been here I've realized my mistakes. I do regret almost everyday moving here. I have been dealing with drama and bull shit and baby sitting and I've had enough. I have my own life and child to take care of. I do need someone elses to deal with on top of it. About 2 to 3 times a week there is arguments about how things that don't make sense and complete and udder non-sense. I feel like no one watches Arianna and she gets into everything. I'm the only one who keeps her from injuring herself or Kenny. Her mother is a stay at home mom that doesn't do anything but sit on her ass and read or watch anime on the computer all day. When he daughter wants attention she spanks her. When she puts her to bed and she takes her diaper off she spanks her. Come on, the girl is 2 she needs potty trained for God sake! But sadly she's to lazy to even do that. I vent to my mother and she asks me to potty train her. Why must I potty train someone elses child? I'm someone elses mother. As I'm watching Ari and making sure she's fed my child is screaming for my attention. This life i chose to live is no what i had expected. I love my son to death and wish I could just get out of this hell. No matter what i do it just seems to be getting worse. I can't pull my head up out of the water. I'm drowning. I try to do good for my son and its not getting any better. I wish, just wish, someone could be my night in shinning armor to come rescue me from the pain and depression.
My hopes of coming to this forsaken place was to get out of debt and be able to afford to move back to Virginia the place my heart still lies. The path I've chosen has come to be the long one. I've also come to realize that you can't always have things handed to you. And all this just from one decision on moving to AZ.